An Owners Manual to ERIK
by Usorokoaemo
Summary: Another spoof involving the ever popular Owners Manual. Updated! Now has Kay and Leroux. Will soon have Gerik and ALWStage Phantom. I may possibly then go on to fanfic Phantoms.
1. Kay Erik

_A/N: I don't know where the Owners Manual fiction originated but I know I didn't create it. I'm hoping to do a few more KAY!ERIK Manuals to include the Leroux and Gerard Butler versions. If time and authors permit, I might do certain versions of phanphic ERIKs too. Expect possible touch ups to this chapter and the others as new ideas pop up in my head._

_Also, it came to my attention that another author has already written an ERIK GUIDE but I haven't read it yet so any comparisons between the two are purely coincidental. I beg MetaChi's pardon and hope she can forgive me. _

**Manual for KAY!ERIK  
(Special Edition Kay ERIK)**

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of a KAY!ERIK! Please peruse the following directions and warnings carefully to avoid a very painful death. :) Please note that Kay Inc. cannot be held responsible for failure to adhere to the following directives. Kay Inc. firmly states that the law of freewill prohibits you from placing any blame upon them should you fail to keep reading.

Technical Details:

Name: KAY!ERIK/The Phantom of the Opera/Angel of Music  
Type: (Vaguely) Human Male  
Date of Manufacture: 1831  
Height: Specifics unknown, tall  
Weight: Specifics unknown, skeletally light  
Modal: KAY

Accessories: 

a. Punjab lasso

b. Mask

c. Don Juan Triumphant

d. Coffin (Persian Cat basket)

e. Organ

d. Opium and/or Morphine

f. Red Death Masquerade Costume

Installation:

Your KAY!ERIK should come completely assembled and fully clothed in evening wear. If any part of his structure is missing please contact Kay Inc. and we will be happy to repair your model. **WARNING**: Please do not remove your KAY!ERIK modal's mask even to check for flaws.

The KAY!ERIK modal inevitably arrives after dark no matter when shipping occurs. We at Kay Inc. regret to inform you that this is an unavoidable phenomenon. In any case, most KAY!ERIK models have proven to be generally nocturnal so you may find that in order to interact with your KAY!ERIK you may have to change your sleeping patterns.

Your KAY!ERIK model prefers a damp dark habitat. Cellars containing large underground lakes are preferable but regrettably hard to come by. In this case, your KAY!ERIK model is perfectly capable of fending for himself; he will find a place to live on his own. Please do not be alarmed if one day you reach for the dish soap and find him under your sink.

NOTE: There have been reports of KAY!ERIK arriving along with a CHRISTINE model. This is a common glitch that Kay Inc. has been endeavoring to prevent but still happens often enough. If your KAY!ERIK does indeed arrive with a CHRISTINE model consider CHRISTINE a freebie as separating the two once they are together has proven nearly impossible. If you are certain that you cannot handle a CHRISTINE model (For instance, if you yourself intend to woo your KAY!ERIK model.) please contact Kay Inc. and we will provide you with a RAOUL model. Be prepared for certain mishaps like falling chandeliers. We regret to inform you that if your RAOUL model is disabled beyond repair by your KAY!ERIK model he does not come with a warranty and you will NOT be sent a replacement.

Operating Procedure:

Your KAY!ERIK has been designed to perform a number of tasks both every-day and extraordinary. He is responsive to both spoken and unspoken forms of communication. He speaks and understands multiple languages including but not limited to French, English, and Arabic. Please keep in mind that the word "responsive" doesn't always mean he will obey you. If you are a child, a helpless woman, or happen to be the Persian Daroga, though, there is an increase in probability of about 50 that he will work to your whims. If you are, inexplicably, a CHRISTINE DAAE modal, there is a 100 chance he will do as you bid.

**WARNING**: Before powering your KAY!ERIK model up it is imperative that you have at least one hand at the level of your eye. There have been reports of some KAY!ERIK models arriving in Homicidal! mode. Kay Inc. takes no responsibility should your KAY!ERIK model's first action be to Punjab you. In any case, it is best to step back and allow him to make the first move.

All KAY!ERIK models are amazingly adept at nearly any task you set before them. However, they have six main functions as specified below.

Musician: KAY!ERIK models practically ooze musicality (and sexuality at that) and you are welcome to present them with any instrument of your choosing although they prefer item (e).

Composer: Your KAY!ERIK is an ingenious composer. In order to work at his best he needs item (e) and item (c.) **WARNING**: It is advised that you distance yourself from KAY!ERIK when he is audibly working on item (c) as physical, mental, and spiritual violation may occur.

Singer: All KAY!ERIK models were built with a special voice mechanism of such power that it may be considered dangerous. However, if you are on your KAY!ERIK model's "list of non-annoying people", a child, or a vocal prodigy-in-waiting you are invited to take full advantage of this function's positive aspects.

Assassin: While Kay Inc. does not support assassination; your KAY!ERIK is an adept and very effective assassin. He works best with item (a) but has been known to make due with whatever is available being the resourceful type. Kay Inc. takes no responsibility for the possible consequences of this function, which include but are not limited: to the betrayal of your lackies, your entire house being blown sky high, or large objects falling from the ceiling.

Architect: The KAY!ERIK modal is a master architect. His credits include a palace in Persia and the numerous hidden features of a famous Opera House in Paris. However, while he works well on the grandiose level he is also quite capable of notching up small play things for any dying children you have lying about the house.

Magician/Entertainer: The KAY!ERIK model has often been credited as the world's finest magician. His abilities extend to ventriloquism, inventing, and sleight of hand. He's great at parties provided you don't mind the mysterious disappearance and probable death of your more irritable guests.  
  
Gypsy Doctor: KAY!ERIK is great for the passing illness or physical injury. Should you be poisoned, however, it is advised that you seek professional help at once since all KAY!ERIK models find poison "icky" and don't make study of it.

Ghost: All KAY!ERIK models are highly equipped to haunt the shadows of your house. He's great for scaring away over-due guests or annoying Spanish divas. Or he can make your house the perfect place for a spooky Halloween party providing you don't invite nosy sceneshifters. Try combining him with item (f) for best results.

Interaction With Other Models:

Your KAY!ERIK has been installed with 6 modes of interaction. They are:

_Angsty/Depressed!_

_Homicidal!_

_Snarky/Friendly!_

_Lovesick!_

_Crazy As All Heck!_

_Angel/Stalker!_

In order to decrease the amount of lawsuits, Kay Inc. recently changed KAY!ERIK model's default mode from its normal _Angsty/Depressed_ to _Snarky/Friendly_! In this state he can be unbearably cynical but he is mostly harmless. It is recommended that any inexperienced users try to maintain the _Snarky/Friendly_! mode and only allow the _Angel/Stalker_ mode to occur if they own a CHRISTINE DAAE model but not the RAOUL model or if they are willing to spend an eternity living with their KAY!ERIK model.

KAY!ERIK modals are unsociable by nature of their upbringing. However, they usually get along well with MADAME GIRY models, NADIR models (Known as THE PERSIAN model in France), and REZA models. KAY!ERIK models adore CHRISTINE DAAE models but their adoration inevitably switches KAY!ERIK into a preprogrammed pattern of modes. It begins with _Angel/Stalker_, becomes _Lovesick_, leads to_ Angsty/Depressed_, and finally becomes a mixture of the _Homicidal_! and _Crazy As All Heck_! modes. Because of this it is strongly recommended that you never expose your KAY!ERIK to a CHRISTINE model unless you're willing to either a.) Make up excuses to the police to cover up multiple deaths and large falling crystal objects or b.) lose the both of them for good.

KAY!ERIK is **NOT** compatible with the RAOUL model nor the CARLOTTA model. Never leave KAY!ERIK alone with the above mentioned models as the complete annihilation of both is usually immanent.

**WARNING**: All KAY!ERIK models are prone to sudden violent mood swings. Should be switch into _Homicidal_! or _Crazy As All Heck_, mode LEAVE the room immediately or risk a horrific death.

FAQ:

Q: Can I take off my KAY!ERIK's mask?

A: Nooooo! Nonononono! No. Not unless you wish to die horribly OR in the rare instance that he agrees. However, it is suggested that you not bring it up and only talk about his mask if your KAY!ERIK mentions it first.

Q: Well, what is under my KAY!ERIK model's mask?  
A: This is a delicate subject and Kay Inc. regrets to inform you that they fear too much for their lives to disclose this information to the public.

Q: My KAY!ERIK smells like death, is there anything I can do about this?  
A: Short of spraying him down with air-freshener every half hour, (This is NOT recommended, by the way, as it may switch your KAY!ERIK into _Homicidal_! mode.) no. Not really. Most users find they get used to the smell after a while.

Q: I have a pet, will my KAY!ERIK model get along with him/her?

A: Yes. Your KAY!ERIK model has a special affinity for animals and will treat them with love and respect. On a similar note, KAY!ERIK models are usually great with children as well. Try letting him entertain at your child's birthday party. Just don't let him near your children if they're very sick as KAY!ERIK modals have been known to deal a 'mercy stroke' to certain sick children.

Q: Why is my KAY!ERIK sleeping in a coffin?

A: It's not a coffin; it's a cat basket. And if it WERE a coffin maybe he's a bit cynical and it carried over from his days as a "Living Corpse."

Q: How can I get my KAY!ERIK to like me?

A: Never inquire about his mask. In fact, pretend it doesn't exist. Give him his space when he wants it and item (d) when he gets ornery. It helps to have a sense of humor. Gradually you will earn your KAY!ERIK's trust but remember that all is lost if a CHRISTINE DAAE model is introduced. OR you may purchase secret item (g) the PHANPHICTION item from Kay Inc. In which case you may do whatever you like with your KAY!ERIK (smother him in chocolate, play with face paints, cook him breakfast in bed) though all other PHANs may end up hating you.

Trouble Shooting:

**Problem:** You go to use the bathroom and find your KAY!ERIK leaning over spewing blood into your bathtub.

**Solution:** Your KAY!ERIK has been poisoned. Give him bed rest and plenty of water. KAY!ERIK models were built out of very durable materials and it is most likely that your model will survive. NOTE: Having the NADIR and REZA modals drastically improves your KAY!ERIK model's chances of survival.

**Problem:** My KAY!ERIK is stuck in _Lovesick_! mode and shows signs of moving on to _Angsty/Depressed_! mode.

**Solution:** You dolt! Remove all CHRISTINE models from the room! If the situation worsens, return the CHRISTINE model and remove all RAOUL models from the room. Expect to never see either again.

Try to keep your KAY!ERIK model away from any possibly hazardous materials or objects keeping in mind that your KAY!ERIK model has been programmed with the unique ability to make nearly any object lethal. If all else fails: RUN!

**Problem:** My KAY!ERIK only wears a small white mask and likes to sing eighties rock ballads.  
**Solution: **You've accidentally been issued the GERIK model, not the KAY model. You may send him back to Kay Inc. for a full refund but it has been found that most owners (even accidental ones) become very fond of the GERIK modal. Some of them even want to marry him.

**Problem:** I'm experiencing long periods of fogged memories including mirrors and passageways OR I think my wooden statue is talking to me

**Solution:** Your KAY!ERIK model is equipped with a voice mechanism capable of hypnotic qualities. Most likely he's bending you to his will either because he wants something from you or he's hopelessly enamored with you. Trying buying some earplugs. Or, in the case of mirrors and passageways, let him seduce you. :)

**Problem:** My KAY!ERIK is experiencing pain and seizures.

**Solution: **Kay Inc. regrets to inform you that as your model ages he may develop a frail health. His health may be prolonged if you keep him out of all stressful situations or you can buy the recently available PHANPHICTION item from Kay Inc. which creates a plot hole thereby saving your KAY!ERIK's life and sometimes making him fall madly in love with you or another nondescript Christine look-alike/relative/love child. There have been reports of the PHANPHICTION item rendering the KAY!ERIK unrecognizable and in extreme cases, love sick over RAOUL models.


	2. Leroux Erik

_A/N: I don't know where the Owners Manual fiction originated but I know I didn't create it. I'm hoping to do a few more manuals to include the Gerard Butler and Andrew Lloyd Webber stage versions. If time and authors permit, I might do certain versions of phanphic ERIKs too. Expect possible touch ups to this chapter and the others as new ideas pop up in my head._

_Also, it came to my attention that another author has already written an ERIK GUIDE but I haven't read it yet so any comparisons between the two are purely coincidental. I beg MetaChi's pardon and hope she can forgive me. _

**Owners Manual for Erik**

**(Original Edition Leroux Erik)**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a LEROUX!ERIK! It is imperative to your health that you carefully examine the following directives. Leroux Inc. will take no responsibility for the dire consequences that will inevitably follow should you fail to read and adhere to the following pages of this manual. Have a nice day. :)

Technical Details:

Name: LEROUX!ERIK/The Phantom of the Opera/Angel of Music/ "monster"

Type: (Vaguely) Human Male  
Date of Manufacture: Unknown (Early 1800s)  
Height: Specifics unknown-Tall  
Weight: Specifics unknown-About that of a corpse

Model: LEROUX

Accessories:

a. Punjab lasso

b. Full mask

c._ Don Juan Triumphant_

d. Organ

e. Red Death Masquerade Costume

f. Scorpion and Grasshopper keys

Installation:

Your LEROUX!ERIK should come fully assembled with the LEROUX stamp of approval to let you know that this is indeed the original Erik. We'll let you find out on your own where that is. :- Just make sure your model is not powered up yet when you check. **WARNING:** Your LEROUX!ERIK model's stamp will _never_ be under his mask so do not attempt to remove it at any time even while your model is powered down. Stranger things have happened then seemingly shut down models suddenly Punjabbing their new owners. The birth of the Olsen twins, for instance.

Before powering up your LEROUX!ERIK model please confirm that you have a comfortable place for him to live. Your LEROUX!ERIK model was built with a special instability drive which renders him mentally unstable and prone to weeping if he is taken out of his comfort zone. He thrives in dark, damp, isolated places. So pretty much anywhere mold can grow your LEROUX!ERIK model can grow too.

Operating Procedure:

Your LEROUX!ERIK has been designed to perform a number of useful tasks. He understands most any spoken language though he's not particularly designed to follow any directives you might give him.

**WARNING**: Your LEROUX!ERIK model, as mentioned above, is fitted with an original edition instability drive. When in operation, the instability drive causes inconsolable weeping and/or sudden homicidal tendencies. Sometimes, if you're lucky, the drive can cause frantic groping at your legs. In other words, your LEROUX!ERIK is officially batty.

As with the KAY!ERIK (and most other Eriks for that matter), it is imperative that when powering up your Erik you do so from a safe distance with at least one hand at the level of your eye. Since powering up the LEROUX!ERIK requires a physical action, it is suggested that you let someone you don't like do it for you just in case your LEROUX!ERIK was shipped in a bad mood.

Your LEROUX!ERIK can do just about anything he puts his mind to but he has been designed with eight main functions:

Musician: LEROUX!ERIK adores music and will often spend extended periods of time involved with it. He usually prefers to use item (d). WARNING: Never approach your LEROUX!ERIK from behind when item (d) is in use as a previous negative experience has conditioned him to strike at any looming form behind him.

Composer: Your LEROUX!ERIK is a genius composer and for best results, pair him up with item (c).

Singer: LEROUX!ERIK may not know it but he is infamous for the power of his voice which is capable of commanding and manipulating most people. Generally it can be safely assumed that his voice is harmless as long as you're on good terms with him. However, if you start experiencing memory blanks or a sudden inexplicable attraction seek help immediately. Or invest in some really sturdy earplugs.

Assassin: It is assumed that your LEROUX!ERIK is an expert assassin given the sheer number of people he's sent to their grave. Assumed because, curiously, anyone who has experienced this particular function found himself or herself unable to give us a proper review being quite dead. He definitely gets the job done, though, and seems to work best with item (a).

Architect: Your LEROUX!ERIK is an adept architect, having once built for the Shah of Persia. His impressive résumé also includes various hidden features in the Paris Opera house. He builds one mean torture chamber-just ask Joseph Buquet.

Magician/Entertainer: LEROUX!ERIK is a master of trickery and deception. He's an accomplished ventriloquist and does a great lethal grasshopper impression.

Ghost: Having a variety of skills including ventriloquism coupled with a childish sense of mischief make LEROUX!ERIK a wonderful addition to any home in need of a good ghost. Just install a few hidden passageways, screw your chandeliers in extra tight, and you'll have a haunted house anyone would be jealous of.

One-Man Demolition Team: Due to his inexplicable tendency to horde large amounts of explosives (usually in the basement) your LEROUX!ERIK makes a fine demolition team. So if you have any building that needs to be taken down your model should be happy to oblige you-especially if he's pressured about his possessions.

Interaction With Other Models:

Your LEROUX!ERIK has been installed with 6 modes of interaction. They are:

_Childish Glee!_

_Furious/Homicidal!_

_Lovesick!_

_Crazy As All Heck!_

_Angel/Stalker!_

_Beaten Cur!_

Your LEROUX!ERIK was created to naturally assume the mode of _Childish Glee!_ and it is recommended that you keep him in that mode since the occasional harmless prank is worth all the money and safety pins you may lose in the world. Allowing your LEROUX!ERIK free reign of your house and humoring his wishes (usually made known by carefully placed letters) will more often than not give him immense pleasure and spare you the trouble of dying.

On the other hand, be warned that the introduction of a CHRISTINE DAAE model will send your LEROUX!ERIK into a sequence of preprogrammed and irreversible action modes. This sequence is as follows:

_Lovesick! >>  
Angel/Stalker! >>  
Furious/Homicidal!>>  
Crazy As All Heck! >>  
Beaten Cur/>_

This series will no doubt cause innumerable causalities and is actually also a self-destruction mode for your Erik. Allowing your Erik to assume this sequence assures his eventual death and probably yours as well. Because of this, it is highly recommended that you keep all CHRISTINE DAAE models well out of your LEROUX!ERIK model's sight, smell, taste, etc.

However, if you are the adventurous type and corpses are your kink, then you are welcome to attempt to switch your LEROUX!ERIK into _Lovesick!_ mode while you are in the room. Being young, beautiful, and a soprano will encourage the _Lovesick!_ mode but there have been reports of successful owners who claim to have become successful _Lovesick!_ mode triggers. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the LEROUX!ERIK, no further reports past the _Angel/Stalker!_ mode have been recorded. We at Leroux Inc. have come to the conclusion that the cause is related to the particular tendency of these "triggers" to either disappear forever or end up hanging from the ceiling of their local supermarket.

Your LEROUX!ERIK is an unsocial creature by nature but he does get along with a few other models. The phrase "get along" being termed quite loosely here.

For the most part, your LEROUX!ERIK should come to benignly accept most MADAME GIRY models, especially the LEROUX!MDMGIRY. LEROUX!ERIK will also take a liking to the PERSIAN model. For you English fans, this is the French version of the NADIR model. LEROUX!ERIK is generally not compatible with either the RAOUL or CARLOTTA models should contact between them should be avoided at all costs.

FAQ:

Q: My LEROUX!ERIK arrived and he's dead! I'm suing for my money back!  
A: He is NOT dead. That's what he's supposed to look and smell like. I hope you didn't call him dead to his face-you might want to consider evasive maneuvers if you did like RIGHT NOW!

Q: My LEROUX!ERIK seems to want to play a game with item (f): Which should I chose, the grasshopper or the scorpion?

A: You're not by any chance a CHRISTINE model, are you? If you value your skin and anyone else's within about a mile radius, turn the scorpion. If you dislike the idea of waking up to that face every morning…well, do us all a favor and still chose the scorpion.

Q: Perpetual eveningwear, as charming as it is, just isn't my thing. Can I change my LEROUX!ERIK's clothing?

A: Firstly: Hello, my name is Usorokoaemo. You're the first person I've ever met that has any complaints about Erik's impeccable wardrobe. I mean, who doesn't like a good cape and mask every now and then? But I digress.

There is really no way to pimp your LEROUX!ERIK model's wardrobe short of stealing and burning all of his clothing. This isn't recommended, by the way, as most LEROUX!ERIK models haven't shown a tendency to run about completely naked. (But it'd be horrendously amusing until he kills you.)

Troubleshooting:

**Problem:** My LEROUX!ERIK believes he is a lightening rod.

**Answer:** It appears that some of the LEROUX!ERIK models have picked up this unique quirk from their days haunting secret lovers from the rooftops of Paris Opera Houses. Generally this behavior can be avoided if you mange your LEROUX!ERIK's modes by staying away from _Lovesick! _and _Angel/Stalker._ If you are unable to disables these modes then, hey, free lightening rod!

**Problem:** My Erik is pretty much how you've described him: a composer, rather old, introverted, and definitely scary to look upon. However, he's also suddenly become a little infatuated with money and has mentioned breaking in on the movie business.

**Answer:** How in the world did Andrew Lloyd Webber end up in one of our shipping packages? Goodness, send him back and we'll replace him with an actual model immediately. Our apologies!

**Problem: **My LEROUX!ERIK hates me. It is insufferable!

**Answer: **I'm afraid that there isn't much you can do about this. In any case, you must have done something to deserve it, you idiot. Just keep your hand at the level of your eyes and watch yourself whenever you walk under any large light fixtures. If you hear something beguiling singing in your bathtub you should try showering instead. Even so, your efforts are probably in vain.

**Problem:** My LEROUX!ERIK loves me. It is insufferable!

**Answer:** See above answer for the most part. Why are you complaining? You must be especially beautiful and talented, you ungrateful wretch!


End file.
